one time this dude thought i kept talking about elf's, or leprechauns, or some weird little shit like that... and i asked him like "yo dude, what you on?" and he was like "no, my car is low on gas" so like i said "huh?" and he said "What?" so then like i said "elf's rock huh?" then he said like "i ate lucky charms for breakfast" then i went like "dude?" so he was like "yeah?" then i said "my codpiece is flaming and i think it's about to erupt, so you better help me spread my own butter so i can eat my hamster ok?" and he was like "dude, you're sick" and i was like "...yeah..."
so like i was at this dudes house (again) yeah i know, spend way too much time there huh? so he was like "dude, you spend too much time here" and i was like "yeah, so?" and he was like "so, get your ass outta my house" and i was like "no!" so he was like "fine! whatever" and then i was like "servayarightsumbich" and he was like "what!?" and i was all "nothing!" so then his mom came in and said "dinner's done" so we like went out and ate and such and like i told his dad "dude, your son's on dope!" and his dad was like "WHAT!?" and i almost shat my pants right then and i think the dude did too... so we was like "uhh" and he got all red and veiny and his forehead almost exploded! and he rung our little chicken necks, and made us do yard work and i was like "dude, that so sucked" and he was like "ass" and i was like "atleast we get to keep these cool potatoes"
so like after all that was done and over with, we went back inside. i, of course, was holding close my new dear friend potato. and the dude was like "dude, will you put that thing outside?" and i was like "uhh, what thing?" and he was like "don't toy with me, you know what i mean" and i was like "pssh, no i don't" and he was like "whatever" so i was like "yeah..." so we went back into his room and i was cradling potato in my lap and he was like "fuck man, will you stick that thing outside?" and i was like "what thing!?" and he was like "that thing between your legs!" so i was like "ohh, THAT thing!" so then i opened his window and stuck my thing out of it.
so after placing my thing out his window i closed it up! and went to sit back down and he was like "thanks" and i was like "hey, no problem, monkey dude!" and was like "don't call me that" and i was like "why not?" so he was like "because, i'll have to kick your ass" and i was like "ooooh, temper temper" so i was sitting there giggling uncontrollably because i was so tempted to call him something again, but right as i was about to he got up to goto the bathroom and said "i've got to urinate" and i was like "uhh, that's nice?" so i sat there for like five MINUTES! and then he finally comes back and i was like "dude, what took you so long?" and he was like "why?" and i was like "i'm just wondering" so he was like "oh, well you know, stuff gets in the way" and i was like "in the way?" and he was like "yeah" and sat back down... and then there was like, that awkward silence you know? so i was like "so, that stuff that gets in the way sucks huh?" and he was like "my mom don't suck"
so after that silly awkward moment he just shook his head at me. so i was like "man, what's your problem? you wanna step outside!?" and he was like "what the fuck are you talking about?" and i was like "i dunno, but i'm hyped!" and he was like "settle down, we go camping in five hours" and i was like "oh yeah huh, maybe that's why i'm so pumped!" and he was like "whatever" (what a jerk huh!?) so i was like "so will your dad be coming?" and he was like "i dunno, he got pretty mad" and i was like "yeah" so he was like "why'd you tell him that?" and i was like "tell him what?" and he was like "god, you're an idiot" and i was like "god, you're a double idiot!" and he got that look on his face like he was ready to slap me! so i hid under the chair and he was like "what are you doing?" and i was like "i'm protecting myself from nuclear warfare" and he was like "we're not under attack" and then his dad stepped into the room!
so there he was, standing tall. the big brute of a half naked dad, so his dad goes like "you boys ready?" and we were just kinda like "uhm?" while trying to advert our eyes... and he just was like "hurry up and get ready" so we did, and like we met him outside and we both were kinda confused and we were like "well?" and he was like "it's time to tend to my garden" so like yeah, we were like "ok" and such and he said we had to help him, so then he like whips out his garden hose and starts watering the cement, we kinda back away and ask him "what're you doing?" and he's all like "i'm growing a new house" and we're all like "oh, ok..." so we just go and sit in the dude's car and don't even help at all, we just watch... and the dude goes "man, my dad's fat" and i go "yeah, nice ass"
i think like, his dad knew we was checking him out. and his psychopathic wife was spitting up the window as she growled at us. so we kinda just like turned away and started talking to eachother again... "dude?"..... "...dude" then five minutes later "hey dude?" i like, said... then he's like "what?" then i'm all like "how come your mom never comes outside?" and he was like "because her chains don't reach that far" so i was all like "oh..." so he was all like "yeah, plus she escapes too damn much" and i was like "oh..." and he was all like "dude, what's wrong?" and i was all like "nothing, i just thought your mom was a robot!" and he started laughing at me "what!?" he like, said... and i was all like "she's always talking about building the mother ship and kool-aid" and he was all like "hey man, shut up" and i was all like "why?" and he was all like "because, my mom is planning a baby shower for a friend"
so we finally get out of the car after the dad is finished squeezing his hose. we walk by him and say "sup?" and he goes "shut up" and we just keep walking. his dad though stays outside tending to his house garden, he's in real estate you know? and i think he starts to complain about pesky squaters. so anyhow, we go back inside and we see his mom with the Windex in hand, we ask "hey, what're you doing?" and she's all like "planning a baby show, what does it look like?" so we just kinda keep quiet, staring at her, then i'm all like "do babies like Windex?" and she kinda looks at me oddly and she's all "no, silly, they like Pinesol" so i kinda go "pfft, whatever wanker!" and she starts slapping me with dish rags. i start to cry and yell out "hey, these smell like crotch!" and she stops and looks to her son "you've got some weird friends" she says, then walks away dragging her chains, Windex, and dish rags behind
so's we's watch her walk off, though she goes into the dudes room! so it's like we can't go in there no more. since i guess she was spittin' and steamin' up the window i took my thingy out of at! so we hasta go find somethin' else to do since she no let us in there, she locked the door! that biggot... so we end up in his living room and he's all like "dude, wanna watch tv or some junk?" and i'm like "yeah, like, you know, whatever" and he's all like "a'ight" so he flips that boobtube on ghetto style (with pliers) and we see that sum bitch Carson Daly on the tube. so i'm all like "dude, what's this smut?" (smut meaning excrutiatingly horrible to watch younger generation intended programing) and he's all like "dude, it's mtv!" and i'm like "dude, you're an idiot!" because he was all like excited to see Britney Spears or some junk. so i'm all like "dude, you can change the channel any time" and he's all like "no way, she's hot!" and i'm all like "if you consider goat-headed carnival freaks hot, not to mention that voice" so he's all like "shut up dude" so i go like "fine" and he's all fixated one watching so i kinda look through the National Rifle Association magazine his dad subscribes to. and i'm like "ok dude, now what is this shit?" and he's all like "it's n*sync" and i'm like "no you fool, not the tv, this magazine" and he's all like "oh? let me see" and i show him, and it's a picture of a forest ranger and his beaver sock puppet!
so at this point i roll up the magazine and start beating him like a dog with it. and he's all like "dude? what's your problem?" and i'm all like "i thought i saw a dungbeetle on your face!" and he's all like "ahh get it off me!" and i 'm all like, laughing and stuff you know? because really he didn't have a dungbeetle on his face, so he's all like rolling around on the floor spazzing and covulsing and i'm all like "dude? it was just a joke" and he's all getting up all smooth and cool like and he says "yeah, i knew that" and i'm all like "dork" and he's all like "dweeb" and i'm all like "twenty-first century, pocket protecting, anal retentive, Bill Gates wannabe!" and he's all like "ouch dude, those words cut, and cut deep" and i'm all like "sorry..." so he's all like "whatever" so i'm all like "we goin' camping or what?" and he's all like "in an hour" and i'm all like "coo', i hope we get to pet the twinkie bears" and he's all like "what?" and i'm all like "they ate my twinkie!"
so at this point i need to go outside for a breath of fresh air. and there's his brute of a dad tending to his sun blistered hose! so i'm all like "dude, what's up?" and he just kinda glares at me, like he's about ready to rip my head from my body king-fu style! so i just keep walking on my way. then i come across this hole in the ground and go like "hewwo!?" and like this gopher dude pops out and he goes "yo?" and i go "haha, you talk" and he's all like "no shit dipshit!" so i get a shovel and play whack-a-mole with his mother! and he goes like "get away from my burrow you freak!" and i go like "but you're so cute" and he's all like "really?" and i'm all like "...no" so he gets all P.O.'d at me and starts chewing on my sneakers! and i'm all going like "dude, chill?" so he's all like drooling on my fly shoes so i'm all like "you better chill, dude!" and he starts tearing a hole in 'em! so i field goal punt his ass across the field. then the brute of a dad comes over and goes "what'd you do that for?" and i go "because he was gettin' fresh with my shoes" and the dad goes like "oh?" and i go like "yeah...." then all a sudden his dad drops down like it's a tornado warning from hell and he's humping the hole in my shoe!
so like there the big brute was, gettin' it on with my foot! so i'm all like trying to get away, but like, he has one tight grip! no wonder all the ladies like him... so i'm all like trying my best to get away but i can't! and i'm all like "dude, let go?" and he's all like "wahf wahf ooh aah" so at this point i'm thinkin' i'll have to gnaw my leg off at the knee! but finally he lets go and i'm just kinda standing there in shock and i'm like "hey, what was that all about?" and he said "decontamination" and i said "decontamination?" and he says "yeah..." so i just walk away, and fast! and go back inside. and there i see the dude's mom ontop of him and i'm going like "uh, sup?" and they turn to me and go like "not much" so i'm like ".....ok" wondering what in the hell they were doing! so i just go back into the living room and sit down to let them finish their business and they come in shortly after to join me and they go "sup?" and i go "not much?" then they sit down next to me. they both say at the same time "buckle up!" and i'm like "for what?" and they say "for the ride! of course" and i'm all like "ride?" and they're all "yeah, our couch converts into a space ship! we're going hemorrhoid hunting!"
so there we were, on the couch, playing hemorrhoid attack! man that game is SO fun, you all should try it! anyways... i won (of course, i mean, c'mon?) i totally cleaned house, literally! the premises was now hemorrhoid free! so finally the big brute of a dad comes in and goes like "what are you all doing?" and we go like "playun!" and he's all like "yeah? what?" and we're all like "hemorrhoid attack" and he's like "really? can i play?" and we're all like "it's only for three players" and he's all like "oh, i get winner!" so there we was, playing a new game and having a good ol' time. but then suddenly a massive attack happened, hemorrhoid's starting flaring up left and right! it was too late! noooooo! so we lost... and had a game over then his dad was like "cool!" because he got hemorrhoids, just like he asked for, because they won!